I’ve been waiting patiently to do this blog entry. Dreams. I have the CRAZIEST dreams. My dreams range from insanely bizarre to nightmares to recurrent dreams or themes. Or all three at once. A lot of the same people appear in my dreams and occasionally a newcomer or a random blast from the past will show up. At best, my dreams are neutral and unfulfilling. But usually they are nightmares or very, very violent. I can only wish to understand how dreams work.
I had typed out the details of a recent dream and quickly realized it was nonsensical and piecemeal, at best, full of strange details. I couldn’t figure out how to mold it into a single story, as it had no clear beginning or end and nothing was accomplished or resolved in the end. Instead, I’ve decided to put together my “dreaming style,” if you will. I must warn you, it’s not very nice. There’s no lottery winning or riding a horse into the sunset with Prince Charming in my dreams – ever.
In my dreams, I am often very violent toward others. Just last night, I was trying relentlessly to beat a woman and light her on fire with matches. I went through 2 or 3 books of matches, but the dream ended before I could accomplish the task.
In my dreams, I am often angry. I yell and scream at people I love dearly in waking hours. I say really horrible things to them. I also yell at strangers, but it’s usually someone I know well.
In my dreams, people and places shift around seamlessly. In other words, the setting or the people change mid-dream, but the storyline remains the same.
In my dreams, I am myself. Everything I see in my dream is from my point of view.
In my dreams, a very popular recurring theme is rejection. Often, it is the same person rejecting me over and over and over again, but never in the same way. This actually stems from a single, formative moment in my real life about 15 years ago and has become a permanent nightmare. These are the dreams I hate the most.
In my dreams, the houses and buildings are often recurrent. Hospital dreams all use the same hospital with dark hallways, school dreams use one or two different schools, I often dream I’m exploring an enormous house. The downtowns in my dreams don’t change much, nor do the churches. There is a large cityscape that recurs often, too, usually accompanied with a flooding scenario. I frequently have dreams with apartment buildings, and the outsides stay the same but the insides are usually different.
In my dreams, when I am being chased, my arms and legs are heavy and cannot carry me fast enough. When I run in my dreams, I feel stuck and move slowly. I hate chasing dreams, too.
In my dreams, bizarre things happen. I once had a dream with 6 foot long hotdogs that had to be cut into pieces on a counter in a shared men’s and women’s bathroom. I once had a dream with a teeny tiny kitchen tucked into a cupboard. I once had a dream with an ice rink made out of blue koolaid. It smelled delicious.
That’s not to say all of my dreams are nightmares. Some are benign. Like the one where I was in a small courtyard with strings of lights between the buildings, sipping coffee with Billy Gardell. Or the one where I was trying to decide where to build my twinhome next to an airstrip. Or the view from my rotating penthouse dorm room. I rather enjoy my dreams where I explore large houses.
I talk to others about dreaming and most say they don’t remember dreams very often. I won’t lie, it would be fine with me if I forgot my dreams upon waking. I have suffered from nightmares so long and they recur so often that I don’t wake up scared or agitated anymore. I’ve even reached a point where I am aware, mid-dream, that I’ve had this dream before and I know how it will end.
I don’t know if I’ll suffer from dream remembrance forever or not, but it would sure be nice to meet someone who could explain why I am plagued with such bizarre dreams.
Tomorrow’s topic: Confessions