When I’m Not Just Fine

Well, Normal, we had a good run.

I haven’t had much to say on the topic of anxiety and depression lately because I was feeling great. Really great. Maybe even too great.

I wondered if my anxiety med dosage was too high when I noticed I didn’t care one bit about a clean house and absolutely nothing was bothering me. I literally could not be sad. Crying was impossible, even when appropriate. I would like to say it was strange and I didn’t like feeling so unnaturally good, but it just didn’t bother me that much. I was ready to settle in for the long haul of happiness. It lasted a long time and it was so, so good.

What goes up must come down. I, of all people, should know this.

I, of all people, should know that it can’t be roses and unicorns forever. I should know better than to imagine a world where everything is Normal and Just Fine for any length of time. It will not and cannot stay like that. I should know.

Who wouldn’t want to snuggle into a hammock of happiness forever?

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If I’m not feeling Just Fine, what am I feeling? Sad and tired. I want to cry for days without stopping. Sullen. Uncertain about things I was absolutely sure of a couple of days ago. Cross. Angry. Insecure. Oh, so very insecure. And of course anxious.

What am I going to do?

I’m going to dial it back. I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do that isn’t completely necessary. I’m not going to decide anything ahead of time, instead I’ll just take it as it comes. And if I can’t make any decisions, so be it.

I’m going to breathe through it.  I’m going to tell myself I can get through one more second, one more minute, one more hour, and I’m going to breathe in and out until I make it through.

I’m going to fake it. Anxiety is such an individualized condition with no one size fits all description or cure. It’s difficult to describe and talk about with those who don’t understand, and even with some who do. I especially do not want to talk about it too much when I’m on a downswing, so it’s easier to tell those who care about me that I’m feeling low and fake the rest.

I’m going to cry a whole bunch and enjoy every last minute of pure emotional release. I’ve been waiting all day and I cannot wait to hit the pillow and let it all out.

And I’m going to get through this. Just like I always do. It’s going to suck. I’m going to hurt others with my anger, I’m going to hate myself, I’m going to be a poor friend. But I will put a smile on my face and breathe in and breathe out and one day, hopefully soon, I will be Normal again.

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